GameInformer's Top 200 Games

I apologize for the lack of posts lately; I've been preoccupied with teh lerningz and couldn't get around to doing anything. But progress is assuredly coming and the rest of the Final Fantasy XII review will be posted soon enough. As for the PS3 issue, I haven't made much progress on it yet although the likely route I will go is to order a power supply and dismantle that sonuvabitch myself. I should have my games up and running in no time and perhaps I will indeed have some video footage of FFXII once this little problem has been resolved.

So in order to occupy myself with some recreational activity wherein I am still busy, I decided to get back to some reading. I'm sure some of you may scoff at the very idea of having to read more than two paragraphs a day.

"i waz goi'na argu butt ain't no idear wat ya rote, misterr intamanet man"

I actually have this unsettling feeling in me because I have so many books and have barely made my first crease yet. But before I get back into the mind feeding, I found subterfuge in some gaming magazines, particularly Game Informer.

You regular GameStop shoppers probably know the ins-and-outs of what the Edge membership entails but I'll let the rest of you in. If you purchase a used game (oh, sorry; it's called "pre-owned" now. Can't let corporate hear you say the U-word) or even so much as glance at the nearest cartridge with a yellow sticker on it, you may find that the nearest employee at the store is already kneeling on the floor next to you, insisting that if you subscribe to the Edge membership, you will be admonished as a God in third-world countries and that your fifteen dollar membership fee will save kittens from bestial rapists.

Okay...you don't get all those benefits but what you do get is a few measly in-store discounts and a monthly subscription to Game Informer. I could explain the history behind Game Informer in more ways than one but I choose not to because I prefer to keep this brief and all you need to know is that it's a typical gaming magazine. Pretty pictures, lame jokes, and small text you normally neglect.

I don't have any beef with them in anyway but one particular issue did almost spark a severe epileptic episode from me. I felt like a second-grader at a spelling bee when I'm thrown the word "colostomy". Should I be stymied because the word is too much for me to handle or should I be appalled that the word they chose involves an artificial anus? So let me get right to it.

In their 200th issue, Game Informer decided what would be really special would be to construct a list of the top 200 games of all time even though we all know that this is not cliché in any way.

I've seen many of these in my day back when I used to rely on these extensive lists that these "apt" gamers composed. But I have never seen any list that compares to the sheer incompetence of this fucking waste-of-my-time. Not to create any outlandish hyperboles but WHAT WERE THEY THINKING?

Some typical feedback I found to the list was that it was a joke and it was downright laughable AND IT IS. But that's not the point here. What I'm getting at is that, aside from containing a few staples on the list simply because they are pretty much required to be on the list, everything about this is just horrendous.

I'll address my biggest problem first and this is not an editorial or journalistic problem specifically. It's an aesthetic problem. I turn the page to the introduction which suitably prepares the reader for what may be the best game of all time.


You flip one page.


Oh, you're done reading.

How do you get away with that?! Am I completely nuts here? Since when do you make a countdown of "The-Best" and you start with number 1? You just don't do that! Was the editor just high off of paint thinner or did he really think that this would be a good idea? I just don't get it!

In regards to the games that were selected, there is an excessive amount of games that just do not belong. Having your own opinion is one thing but this just goes against everything that has been established in gaming. When I think of a game suited for this type of list, I try to narrow down all the games I like until I find one which revolutionized the franchise, genre or industry itself. I think of a game which leaves a significant influence on me and leaves me wanting more.

You must be so glad they didn't do that. How they built this list could have been done with some reasonable standards and merit-based ranking. But no. There is no consistency here. The biased opinions stick out like a sore thumb. They rank games above other games for one reason but they contradict their own standards throughout the entire list. They'll even make up shit for why a game belongs on the list. You can't appease everyone but trying would've fucking helped.

I feel like I'm going to get a hernia from thinking about this. Let's just start.

197 - NHL 09
Okay. I'll bite. It's hockey. I'm not a fan of toothless Canadians who can only speak monosyllabically flogging one another all over tiny black urinal soap.

Why does this belong on the list? Just say the following to yourself aloud and tell me this does not sound far-fetched:

"The National Hockey League 2009 Video Game is one of the best games ever made."

187 - Infamous
There are so many games I simply adore but I would not keep place it on the list.

This is one of them.

183 - NFL 2k5
137 - Madden 99
I can't help but feel like I'm repeating myself. At the number 31 spot, Tecmo's Super Bowl stands as one of their bests. It was a fun game that anyone, even for a dunce as inept in sports as me, could enjoy. It's highly objectionable but I'll let that game slide simply because anyone can pick it up and play.

I'm pretty sure that you can justify how these games rank. Especially since there is a Madden game shat out of EA's ass every year and is most definitely identical to the the predecessor every time. And Madden '99 was the one year where it was done perfectly...how?

John Madden's elaborate attempt to explain what makes the game so great

152 - Xenosaga I
Have we just completely surrendered our RPG sensibilities? I can see why this game is adequate at best but the game has so many fucking flaws. You're telling me that more competent, ground-breaking, innovative RPGs than this did not even make the cut and Xenosaga is #152. I hope you all die in a barn fire.

134 - Borderlands
What corporate bribe did you fucking sheep accept? The game came out in October. This issue was released in December! How pressed for time were you?!

112 - ...


104 - Batman: Arkham Asylum
Again, I love the game. But its placement on the list is ludicrous. But what really upsets me is that it is ranked higher than Metal Gear Solid 4. Does no one see the problem here?! There is no way in hell that Arkham Asylum should belong on the list to begin with but placing it higher than MGS4...

If the writers of Game Informer are reading this, GIVE ME YOUR PHONE NUMBER AND YOUR HOME ADDRESS so I can stab you in the face!

84- Shadow of the Colossus
83 - Okami
"How many is that now? 116? Goddamn. Gotta name some more. Shit....uh...Shadow of the Colossus? That was good enough, right? Add it in."

79 - Kingdom Hearts
130 - Kingdom Hearts II
Believe me before I start on this one. I used to ADORE this game. A mesh of Disney-FF goodness that wasn't an acid trip? And it worked? Mixed together with fun, fast-paced combat? Perhaps all the cartridges were laced with some aerate substance that releases euphoric gases when we pop in the game.

I love the game and I love the sequel (even though the plot of the latter is a piece of shit) but it has no place here. Get off the list and go back to pandering prepubescent teenagers and perpetual virgins.

73 - Rock Band 2
Rock Band is NOT on the list, yet Rock Band 2 is the 73rd best game of all time to these people. Improved features, perhaps? Okay, let's take that into consideration.

God of War is higher than God of War II even though the sequel is an unequivocally improved game from the bottom up.

Halo? #39. Halo 2? #110.

But Rock Band 2 deserves recognition because...?

And let's not even discuss the absurdity of having Guitar Hero at #49 when Legends of Rock is no where to be seen on the list.

50 - Metal Gear Solid 2: Sons of Liberty
MGS 2 is the 50th best game of all time. MGS4 is 108th. MS3 is 191st. This game shouldn't be on the list for one reason: Raiden was a pussy.

But you're awesome in MGS4, Raiden! I'm pretty sure Rising will
be awesome too! Please don't kill me!

10 - Ms. Pac Man
52 - Pac Man
They're the same fucking game!

As you can tell, I have so many gripes about this list and the ones I named already were only a few of the more idiotic choices. I could go on detailing how the entire list is just such an inconsistent, insincere, incomprehensible, biased, opinionated, irrelevant, piss-pour, shit-stained, skull fucking I have ever seen but I'll let you decide. Pick up the issue while it's still easily obtainable and you too will experience this atrocity full force.

But if you want a more affable list, I would say that EGM created a respectable list in their 200th issue wee back in 2006. Sure, it may not have your favorites here and there and it is obviously outdated but it was a list that was concocted keeping in mind what were the greatest games of their time based on influence and importance in the industry.

Don't bother with Game Informer. I didn't want to go off on a belligerent rant here but I felt like I was just brutally sodomized by a radioactive buffalo. This list just kicks you in the face and makes you squirm in agony. It's just that bad. And yeah, this isn't funny. I stopped trying to be FUNNY when I reached the half way point and I felt raped.

Here's a rule of thumb I believe you should abide by: If you can't name 200, don't have 200. No one should subject themselves to this crap that you just made up. I know it's your 200th issue and it should be a momentous occasion but this is just plain not-knowing-what-the-fuck-you-are-doing. You already made your Top 100 list, which was also a monumental knoll of shit but at least it was half the size. This list doesn't make up for your past mistakes because you just repeated them again.

You suck. Get over it.