そらのおとしもの [Review]

There are very few times I watch an anime while it's airing. One when it's highly recommended by people I actually know and like or two when the premise seems interesting enough to wait week to week for the next episode. Sora no Otoshimono was one of the shows in the prior category. When I was told there'd be flying panties, I couldn't help but be shocked in awe at the randomness of the statement. I had to see it for myself. So after watching the airing show at about episode 6 or 7, I had to pace myself and distract myself with something else to not explode in anticipation for the next episode. I sort of regret doing it weekly, since I dont recall a lot of the funnier parts. Before I delve any further, Happy New Year's Eve. I decided to write this one up because there's no better way of ending the year, then a funny show to write about.

I should start off by introducing the main characters of the show. We start off with the main protatgonist, Tomoki Sakurai. This guy is the epitome of 'lol' moments. Your typical perverted male who only hunts for upskirts and possible boob moments. He also get a special mention in my book because the seiyuu who voice him is the very same voice actor who played one of my favorite characters of all time. I'll go into more detail on that one later on. Back to his chracter though, he's nice and kind while trying to maintain his 'peace and quiet is best' ideology.

You are my idol

Next we have the main female protagonist, Ikaros. She's an angeloid who was built only to please her master. Oh boy, you know what that means. Oh yeah, woman in the kitchen. I mean, uh...yeah...like you thought of something better than that. Perverted minds. Being the 'servant' of their relationship, she has the ability to make all her master's wishes come true. So they spend all of episode 1 running around doing whatever Tomoki wants. Another thing to note is her inability to render an emotion.

...So...many...panties...

Continuing on we also meet Tomoki's childhood friend, Sohara Mitsuki. She's your typical love interest with ginormous breasts. And I mean ginormous. She's easily a typ- Ok, ok. I wont go into details. Anyhow, she's in love with Tomoki, but never has the ability to confess her love for him. So instead she beats the crap out of him with her karate chops of doom whenever he does something perverted, which is practically all the time.

Why would you do such a thing!? Poor panties.

Next we have Eishiro Sugata. The more...random person of the show. Extremely knowledgeable and resourceful... I mean he lives in a tent in the middle of a forest. What the fuck? He tends to gab on and on about the age of explorers in the beginning of each episode, which is to say the least, confusing and annoying. He also has this fascination as to where Ikaros came from. The "New Continent" as he calls it, which is located in the sky of all places.

It's a bird! No, its a plane! No! It's some dude...Where's Superman...

Lastly we have his best friend and the most evil person of the show, Mikako Satsukitane. Daughter of the local yakuza and next in line for succession. By evil I mean extremely. She loves the sight of others in pain as demonstrated by Ikaros in one of the episodes.

Hahaha, that was funny. Please don't kill me...

At this point, I dont know where to continue since the show is extremely random and to be truthful, you don't really need to watch them in order. There is some chronology in the story, but the random events that occur during the story can be watched at any time really. Especially after they introduce Nymph, another angeloid, around the 4th or 5th episode. I guess I'll just start with episode 1. During it, Tomoki meets Ikaros when she falls from the sky and nearly kills him. It's not explained why she suddenly fell, but he decides to rescue her from falling debris that followed her down. She wakes up in time to save him from a falling pillar and they become connected.

The fated first meeting.

He later finds out that she can create anything from nothing. So Tomoki abuses his new found power by wishing for several things. One of the more important ones being the ruler of all the world. This turns out to be a huge mistake because by Ikaros' power she scans the entire world to see if there were someone who would take him as the leader in which there is none, so the entire world population is wiped off the face of the Earth. Dumb fuckers should've just submit! Later he wishes that it were all a dream, so it turns out it was. Kind of anti-climactic to only wish it all away, but how else would they return the entire world to its prior state.

In the next episode we have our flying panties and boy is it funny as hell. I mean, who in their right minds could come up with flying panties...I mean...its panties...and they're flying...They even go to the ends of actually making the panties fly over the entire world while being broadcast on television and no one questions it. They only look at it like its some kind of normal occurrence. Tell me, when have you ever seen flying panties. Back to the ep. Basically Tomoki's perverted mind has conjured up yet another scheme in which all the panties that Sohara tries on fly off. This ensures lolz to come. I just cant describe in words how funny this episode was and this show is in general.

I just...I don't...I just don't know what to say...Flying panties...

I could go into detail on each episode of the series, but that'd ruin the general funniness if you were to watch it on your own, so I'll just be blunt and describe the idea of the plot. Basically the group is trying to make Ikaros more human because she loves Tomoki. Being an angeloid and devoid of emotion it is dificult for to do so. Many of the randomness comes from this fact. Like in one episode she overheard someone say lying is human, so she took it to heart and started lying to everyone.

Later on in the show we find out that Ikaros is really a big-ass awesome weapon that practically destroyed the world of the New Continent. Basically the reason why she fell from the sky in episode 1. She was originally being hunted by Nymph because Nymph's master wanted Ikaros to be his servant. In the other world Ikaros is known as the Uranus Queen and also as being one of the most powerful Angeloids. So it makes sense as to why he wants her. Unluckily for him, Ikaros loves Tomoki and doesn't want to disappear from his side.

I wish I had someone devoted like that...

Overall, the show is really entertaining. Id recommend it to anyone who likes comedy and randomness. If you're looking for a strong story, look elsewhere. This show is all about the rofl's and lmao's. I personally gave it an 8 out of 10 because the ending wasn't as strong as I wanted it to be. It was basically Nymph gets out of her original master's control and Ikaros kicks some other angeloids butts in which they retreat. Kind of anti-climactic to the tense atmosphere generated a little earlier in the episode. Especially when Ikaros went to Tomoki and simply said, "goodbye" and flew away, I felt my heartstrings get tugged. Ah well, I can only hope for a season 2. Enjoy the new year!

Happy New Year's

It seems like every now and then, I suddenly remember exactly why I called this blog "InsomniApnea" and currently my inordinate sleep patterns are taking a toll on me. I thought an all-nighter would've brought me back onto my sleeping regiment but I guess what I underestimated was that my body was incapable of taking that kind of punishment. I don't mean to kick a dead horse but I bet playing some Final Fantasy XII will lull me to sleep easily but since I do not have it on me at the moment, I'll just have to make due with some Saving Private Ryan. Because we all know watching people explode into fountains of blood and carnage can soothe anyone's nerves.

Speaking of exploding, HAPPY NEW YEARS...eve.

Yes, it isn't technically the new year yet but I won't be around to update the blog by that time because [here's a shocker] I have a life and the last thing I intend to do when the countdown reaches zero is to eagerly click on the "Publish Post" button like some friggin' low-life.

But before I ring in the New Year with you guys, I just want to recap the short lifespan of InsomniApnea. I'm quite glad Akira's joined forces with us ("us" meaning "me") and that he's shown his fervor to contributing to the fractious rants. I hope he can hold up his end and provide marvelous material and find something truly abominable and rip it to shreds so I won't have to.

Secondly, I want to comment about my video performances and perhaps it's just that I'm not suited for this kind of medium. I certainly hope that isn't the case because there are some things that cannot be expressed with words alone that one scowling look from me can give off. And second, it's a lot more terse and alleviating on the audience to just be able to press "play" and just watch me go off on my tirade than to sit through these odysseys of text [and yes, it is redundant that you are all forced to read this shit]

But to expand on that prospect, I just want to defend myself (although I don't have any detractors yet other than myself) that I can think plenty methodically behind the keyboard. I'm a writer first and foremost and I can conjure up words without effort if you just give me a paper and pen. Sure, the legibility of my words will be less comprehensible than Helen Keller's cursive when she's on LSD but fuck, I r teh smaartz.

And then comes the time when I have to act in front of the camera. Let's ignore the excuses that I did indeed have a whiny family member who was driving me bat-shit crazy at the time and that I am, without a doubt, consistently sleep deprived. Am I just not cut out to actually verbally express my words? I may be a codger with a few gaffes here and there but I suppose that's what makes my character unique in my own way. I'm not a terrible speaker and I rarely get stage freight.

Did I use a script?
No.

Is that the short answer for why I was just a rambling, stuttering klutz?
Yes.

So expect better from me. I suppose I'm just not cut out for ad lib.

With that out of the way, allow me to dispense your lack of credibility in me for my lack of functional equipment. Indeed, my PS3 is still on the shelf waiting for me to receive that shiny parcel with the new power supply. Let's just presume that that issue is already resolved. My desktop is still eternally fucked and the entire cognizance of my computer skills could not save it. Then again, using that same wisdom I deduced that the most cost effective method would be to abandon that desktop all together and purchase a new one. I might just be the frugal type or the sentimental type but that computer stuck with me for quite some time. I actually will miss that hunk of scrap metal. It's like Iron Giant all over again.

Not to be too sullen about the bad; now for the good. The video recording software has proven to be quite successful in its first tries and hasn't induced severe head-fracturing problems yet.

My camera is a tad outdated but I feel as though I always return to this discussion about the longevity of digital camera models and the pointlessness to be so wasteful about getting a new one simply because it has 0.1 more megapixels. Perhaps if I have the time and effort, I'll invest in a new camera but for now, I'll stick to what equipment I have and what I have is a decent camera, a decent tripod, and a decent microphone (which hasn't been used once yet).

It seems difficult to keep track of how long I go on these little written rants here because I'm constantly typing away, seldom stopping because I'm always on the ball when it comes to this. But I can already assume this is way past its readability limit and what started off as a "Happy New Years!" inevitably turned into my own medium to express my grievances.

Let me try to backtrack a bit then and go for something a little more relevant and in case you got bored and decided to scroll down, this may be a little softer on the eyes. I hope everyone has gotten their New Year's resolutions and constructed their list reasonably. It wouldn't be very sensible to deceive yourself like adding "I will not lie anymore" to it. No, that's not ironic. It'd be stupid.

Personally, my only resolutions are:

1) Obtain good grades ("hypocrite", you say? ...Fuck you)
2) Make this blog as presentable as possible with new and better updates
3) Finish the stack of tutorials and books which I have only grazed

And yes, I'm a good boy. I have to get good grades because it's the honorable thing to do and it has nothing to do with the I-am-Asian thing. It's more of a I-don't-want-to-work-at-Burger-King thing. I may be young but they say youth goes a long way.

Now don't get me wrong when I say this but academics will always come first and any lack of posts or videos can be attributed to my studies. That's not an invitation to burn down my university (which shall not be mentioned...in case I sparked any intrigue). Like I stated before, I enjoy expressing myself and sharing with everyone what I love and hate.

I've gone on long enough. Here's to you guys out there who may be supporting me. I'll only wish things get better and that I don't come off as just another wannabe critic.

Am I desperate for attention?
No.

Am I just doing this because it provides me joy?
Yes.

Am I in it for the money?
What money? You mean I can get money for this?!

Bah, I'm done.

HAPPY NEW YEARS!!

A Note [Dec 29 2009]

Youtube, you're officially on my black list.

Well it's not all about the negatives. When I said progress was a-comin', I wasn't lying. My equipment has been restocked and tested. Everything seems like it should be smooth sailing from here on out.

General Annoyances

Anyone who's lived with their parents knows that they're extremely annoying. Especially during the holidays. I'm just using today to vent since I have this medium to complain about called a blog. Sorry Midnighter if you don't like it. I'm still posting it.


As everyone knows parents are the ones who bring you into this world to torture. Why you might ask? Simple. They have nothing better to do with their time. The sadists we know to be our mothers and fathers usually come along at least a couple times a day to pester you with a few things. Usually chores or homework or something of the sort. They have this impeccable timing whenever they do it. For instance during the holidays. Yes, this is after the holidays somewhat, but in the Akira household today is a holy day. Not sure what a holy day is? Go look it up in the Christian doctrine.

Anyhow, like I was saying before. The timing they have cannot be any worse. They choose the exact moments of your day when you're happy or satisfied or fapping off. I wouldn't know. For me it was around the time I got my laptop back from being taken away for possibly the dumbest reason I can think of. Nothing. I didn't do anything to piss my mom off, yet randomly yesterday morning she took it away. Lovely parents eh? So during my ecstasy or having my computer returned, my aunt decided to pay me a little visit.


Yes, my house is a bit weird see. I live with my mom and her sisters family. Back to my aunt. I have a history with her. I try to leave her alone and not pay attention while she likes coming to me and complaining about my mom. You see, I don't give a crap what either of them say. I'm old enough to make decisions for myself, but they still try to control my every move as if I were their puppet. Being the free independent spirit I am, basically told her to fuck off. Not in those exact words, but you get my drift.

My point in my 5 minutes of rambling is...I have no fucking clue, but I will say this. Typing all this out has made my day a lot better than it used to be. Suddenly changing gears, my next anime review will be Toaru no Majutsu Index. A good show that I have yet to finish. First impressions on the show are really good. At this point I'm up to episode 9 and to be honest I'm surprised I'm at that point. It felt like I only watched maybe 2 or 3 episodes. They end so quickly and I'm so engrossed in the show I barely notice that its almost over. Well, I'm going to sign off for now. Hope you had a better time than me during our lovely Christmas season.

Final Fantasy XII Review [Part 2]

The wait is over. Here it is, children.

I apologize for the abundance of fade transitions but without them, the entire review would've been upwards of twenty minutes long and I wanted to keep this as brief as possible.



It's official. I will have a part 3. While this sums up how I feel about the game, we need to dissect this flaming turd further.

Sherlock Holmes Review

My wondrous introduction to the world on video wasn't as graceful as I planned to be. You can tell I wanted to maintain my yuletide cheer but the least I say about the bottled angst in me at the time, the better. All I can say is that a very inconsiderate family member was unintentionally wreaking havoc upon my jolly goodness and was a crippling distraction.





EDIT: This is only a minor observation and I didnt need to really comment on this but I'll do so anyways. Does this or does this movie not have the most laughable pre-screening movie trailers you've ever seen? Whenever you see a spoof or a parody of movie trailers, you laugh because it's silly, cliche, exaggerated, and ridiculous. But the set of previews before the movie were so bad, so tacked-on, so overplayed that it felt like I was sitting through a series of trailer spoofs as opposed to actual movie teasers. Maybe I'm over-analyzing but in any case, I couldn't help but cringe.

いつだって My Santa [Review]

Since it's Christmas time at the Akira household, it usually means a lot of stuff going on. Namely cooking and cleaning. So while all of the festivities were going on I thought to myself it be a good oppurtunity to review a Christmas anime. "Itsudatte My Santa" or as the Americans know it, "Always My Santa." Lemme say a few things before I start the review. Holy shit, I've never seen the word Santa used so many times in one episode. Namely because 90% of the time Santa isn't part of the show but whatever. Another quirky thing about the show is that it's really fast paced. I have no idea why. Most likely since it's only 2 episodes long. How long could you stretch a story about a girl who randomly shows up on Christmas Eve claiming to be Santa Claus and wants to spend the night with an unfortunate soul. Wow, that was a mouthful.

Wow. I wish girls said to me too.

Since the show is only 2 episodes long, I'm gonna go in-depth into each episode. It starts off with an unknown girl meeting an unknwon boy on Christmas Eve. Sound cliche yet? Don't worry it gets worse. So they start on their journey to make the boy happy. Now, this kid hates Christmas for a couple reasons. One being that he's always alone on the day and two...you know, I can't really believe the animators of this show did this, but...


Who in their right minds would name their child Santa. I don't even think they added that name to the baby-name registrar. It makes no sense. Why would you name your child after a fat old man who gives away presents once a year. I've been recently informed that Santa isn't the worst name you can give a child. "Yermom" has been confirmed as the funniest name I could have ever heard. Anyhow, back to the story. So the girl, we don't know her name at this point, wants to make Santa happy. How to make a teenage boy happy...Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. Hey, I wasn't thinking anything perverted! Get your minds out of the gutter. Geez.

Again, why dont girls ever say this to me...

So basically they go around town doing random things. Like randomly start a photo shoot. Or fight with the boss of a yakuza. Yeah...

Fighting the Yakuza? No problem.

After that's all done we cut back to Santa's house in which HE ALLOWED HER INTO HIS HOUSE. What the hell? She's a complete stranger. I wouldn't let anyone in my house that's completely empty even if it were a girl. And plus she used his shower? What the fuck? Of course we get a nudity scene, because this is japanese and with japs...we need at least one boob/panty shot. It's like madatory or something. we also find out her name is Mai. Santa Claus Mai.

There isn't even much to see...

So they have a nice long talk on how lonely Santa really is because he's a pathetic wimp. In order to cheer up Santa, Mai decides to make food and holds a party. Sure, I'll go along with that, but the next couple of minutes made no sense to me. For one, she gives him a kiss laced with all of her magic/happiness. Sure, whatever...I've seen worse plot points. Next he gets a call from the person he loves, so mai gets jealous and says she loves him. WHAT THE FUCK!? YOU ONLY MET LIKE 3 OR 4 HOURS AGO! HOW THE HELL!? How do you fall in love so quickly. This wasn't a love at first sight situation. /sigh. She runs away because Santa says he doesnt believe she's Santa Claus. Man I'm getting confused with all these Santa's running around.

Uhh...what?

He finds her shortly after she runs away and returns the kiss, in which she suddenly pulls a SAILOR MOON transformation and gets a bigger butt, bigger breasts, and possibly one of the skimpiest Santa outfits I've ever seen. Who was fapping off when they made this...?

Way to incriminate yourself, douchebag.

So now that Mai has transformed into Santa Claus, it's time to hand out presents. During their trip Santa meets his parents and finds out their goals. He feels bad for being a sorry prick earlier and forgives them for never being home. And thats when the credits roll. Thank heaven...wait, there's something more at the end of this episode. OH NO! SHE'S BACK!!!!!!!!!! FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF....well yeah I suppose. I did say it was a 2 episode OVA.

On to episode 2. It is now 6 months later somehow and we meet at the beach. They rehash the entire first 5 minutes of the 1st episode in which mai says something that can be interpreted as erotic and also gets taken away by the police. As well as the running away while crying thing they did in episode 1. They even rehashed the yakuza scene albeit a bit backwards. How many times are you gonna use the same joke geez. They introduce 2 new characters into the show. Sharry and Maimai. Sharry is some elitist in the school of becoming a Santa or something while Maimai is Mai's little sister.

What can I say to make this any weirder.

Sharry has come from the land of the Santas to tell Mai to go back. Since Mai has Santa to worry about, she doesn't want to go back. In order to stay Sharry and Mai have to fight over who rules the area and for Christ's sake, no pun intended, they have the most retarded fight I could possibly imagine. Mai shouts out random things that start with 'san' while Sharry makes them real while yelling "GORGEUS!" Fuck, you dont know how annoying that gets. So Sharry loses because Mai yells out Sunhouse on the beach...Whatever.

The animators of the show try to throw in some drama by making the time Mai can spend with Santa extremely short. During this 'short' time Sharry tries her best to get Santa and Mai alone to talk, but fails miserably each time since Maimai like biting apparently. Even going so far as to bite on the ass.

OMNOMNOMNOM Pac-Man style

Also, how the hell did summer and fall pass so quickly. It was like 2 minutes long. And then Christmas Eve is like another 15 minutes. How does 1 day take so long while 6 mnths takes so little...

They give us a bit of backstory to Sharry and Mai, but in the end who really cares. It makes no difference in the main story. It only explains as to why Sharry is helping Mai out so much. Especially for being such a whiny bitch half of the fucking show.

Facepalm, bitch!

As time goes on, Mai finally meets up with Santa and tells him that she has to leave. He just responds, "Go." Er, wut...You're just telling her to leave? Strange...Oh~~ I see. He's going to wait for her for however long it takes. HOW CLICHE IS THAT!? /sigh. As time is running out, Sharry and Maimai somehow FREEZE TIME at 1 minute before 12. Sure, that makes sense. Santa Claus can freeze time. No wonder how he has all the time in the world to give presents to all the nice boys and girls.

What ensues after time restarts is one of the longest teleportation scenes I have ever seen in my entire life. WHY. WHY DOES IT TAKE A WHOLE 2-3 MINUTES TO TELEPORT HER TO THE NORTH POLE OR WHATEVER. And halfway through she pulls her Sailor Moon transformation again. and just leaves on her reindeer. That entire thing made no sense...

Take my place in being his girlfriend.

So we get the ED song and...another little clip at the end of the show. Apparently Mai wasn't the one who needed to leave, but Maimai which actually made more sense. It also undermined the whole drama of the night before...Wait...This episode has a preview at the end...So...its not over? Where the hell is episode 3? I think the animators were either trolling me or they never released it because episode 1 and 2 tanked.

Well that was quite the mistake because you know
the names are so similar.

So yeah thats the end of that show, thankfully. It wasn't bad, but it was extremely rushed considering it was only 2 episodes. The voice actors were talking so fast half the time, that it was hard even for me to understand 10% of the words coming out of their mouths. I dunno. Either way its worth a watch. It'll only take away like 1 hour of your life.

A last word before I go though. Happy Christmas, Merry Chanukah, Happy everybody, and Happy holidays. Thanks for reading. See you next time.

The Ivalice Alliance Impression

I decided to make things a tad more festive for this because I will most likely be placing the blog on hiatus until the equipment is up and ready. But until then, enjoy.

I'm going to give my two cents about the Ivalice Alliance as the least I can do. While I do intend to get the second part of the review of XII out "showcasing" the gameplay, I prefer to actually have the video footage. Me being the most misfortunate bastard known to man, everything around me is a disheveled mess of broken devices left and right from the PlayStation3 to the PC. I'm a ill-prepared scrag. It's quite sad.

But hope is on the way and it is the holiday season. Seeing that midnight has just passed, it is now Christmas Eve and I can only hope that everything will return to the ways things once were. Up till this point, I figured that another written review would've sufficed but you know, that type of review just wouldn't do this shit justice. I'm just hoping the video review would be much more riveting to say the least just so the hype I'm trying to build doesn't go to waste.

I figured that something affiliated with the game would've been good enough for now so I decided that I'll just give a general impression of the Ivalice Alliance. It's one of the myriad of unoriginal, uncreative compilation of Final Fantasy realms created by Square similar to Final Fantasy VII or the Fabula Nova Crystallis of FFXIII (which I also have high hopes for and intend to review once it releases stateside). But does the Ivalice Alliance hold up or is it a train wreck perfectly epitomized by the emblematic shit that is Final Fantasy XII?

Well, this isn't a review, per say. I'll spare everyone, including Square, of my long driveling rants. Maybe it's my yuletide cheer. Whatever.

Final Fantasy Tactics was where everything began more than 12 years ago, which makes me feels so old now that I think about it. As the name implies, it was a tactical RPG, and it wasn't tremendously original but it had its own uniqueness to it. If you didn't like tactics games or games that actually make you use that brain thing, it wasn't for you. But it was a fun and challenging game for the rest of us who read the title and wanted something fresh in the franchise. It's been a while since I played it but as far as I can recollect, it was fun but if you don't take it seriously, you probably won't even be able to pass the very first battle. Yes. It's that engaging. In fact, Final Fantasy Tactics: War of the Lions is a pretty competent remake of the game on the PSP with slight changes. They replaced Cloud Strife with Balthier. Dear fucking god...

It might seem strange that a game titled Vagrant Story would be part of a Final Fantasy compilation but as it turns out, this game was eventually integrated into the realm of Ivalice. It's rather bizarre that many years after the Tactics and Vagrant Story came out, they decided they would make further installments explain their canonical connection. Then again, the art style is very similar and to be honest, the game is pretty damn good. It was a fun, real-time RPG with a nifty Fallout 3-esque ability to attack enemy limbs and parts. Why couldn't XII be more like this? And this isn't a hypothetical question. I want to know. I want to FUCKING know.

For the Game Boy Advance came the appropriately titled Final Fantasy Tactics Advance, which you can say is the incipience of this compilation. This game doesn't quite hold up as much as the original had and I can address them. The difficulty in this game was insultingly easy in more ways than I could've imagined. Second, the game was also a hell lot more tedious and frustrating. Namely, it was the game that introduced the Judges. I cannot tolerate these motherfucking, cockblocking, shit-throwing, face-palming Judges. This was the game that branded them as permanent series trope. Remember that dog from Duck Hunt who laughs at you whenever you fail? These guys are worse.

DS owners could indulged themselves in the tactics goodness by picking up Final Fantasy Tactics A2: Grimoire of the Rift. It rolls off your tongue, huh? It's a sequel to the GBA game but how does it fair? Sigh. I don't quite know how to really express my gripes about this one. It's not terrible but its not without its flaws. The Judges are back to piss me off and they're around this time with more ridiculous restrictions and penalties. Recruiting clan members is a pain in the ass because there's no recruitment center and the applicants are all randomized and scattered throughout the world appearing after a great deal of time has passed. I don't understand what the point of the auctions are for. Every enemy turn in battle takes--at minimum--fifteen seconds even when the enemy is two spaces away. As you can imagine, the game is a grueling, boring experience but it's not terrible if you have the patience. I definitely wouldn't say to pass it up but if you're one of those people begging for the option to skip cutscenes, don't bother with it.

Lastly, we come to Final Fantasy XII: Revenant Wings, which is like the fun and merriment of playing FFXII while you're on the go. Because as you already know, I love having to watch things unfold without player interaction. Unfortunately, this game almost gave me the false impression that it'll actually involve me doing something during combat engagement. Thank god the developers didn't do that. Instead, they made sure that when I assign my characters to do something, they'll do that action nonstop and can even use that wonderful Gambit system I love so much. And it's so exciting watching your microscopic characters--usually in groups of fifteen or so--gang up on another swarm of enemies who are all the size of dust mites. It's also fun to designate your characters to go from point A to point B by walking in the slowest possible way because, after all, having the characters move faster by running wouldn't be time-saving at all. I sure do recommend this game. Hahaha!

I don't have much else to say about the other three minor installments to the compilation because I haven't gotten around to them and I don't see myself playing them. Crystal Defenders came out for PS Network, XBox Live Arcade, and for the Wii but I decided to spend my money on more worthwhile games like Mega Man 9 and Marvel vs. Capcom 2. Would I really want to shill out my hard-earned money for a Tower-Defense game when you can easily find those games on any flash site? And I guess when you think a Final Fantasy related game, you think Tower Defense. Maybe this game is good and I am passing up something potentially entertaining. After all, Vanguard Storm: Crystal Defenders was released and it's essentially a sequel. Tower Defense games are just that enticing, I suppose.

I can conclusively say that the compilation just doesn't leave quite an impression. It's just another elaborate way for Square to exploit an already established world and expand upon it without actually having to make another Final Fantasy universe from scratch. I don't exactly know what Fortress will be but I'll hold my tongue.

Does it fair better than the other compilations? Comparatively, yes. The installments are far more creative and unique than the VII compilation, which is composed of the most unoriginal, excessive installments and takes a highly vaunted game and rapes it. Maybe I'll tear the VII compilation another day but I'll leave it as that.

That is all folks. I already said "Happy Holidays" but in case you're not satisfied with that, "Merry Christmas".

I'm hoping Santa brings me coal this year and not another Final Fantasy XII.

Introductions

The following post by Akira has been indiscreetly tampered by The Midnighter to maintain a level of political correctness in the blog.

We hope you enjoy:

Why hello there world. I didn't see you there and not tl;dr'ing. For the lamers and the underknowledged (yes, add this word to your vernacular), sorta kinda like me because even I didn't know this, tl;dr = "too lazy;didn't read". I will be posting under this nick Akira. No, I wont tell you my real name. That's only for females and cats (He gives the first letter of his name to the mice and the first syllable to squids). So if you're a hybrid of both (Uh...I don't know what kind of kinky interspecial offspring that is but...okay...) let me know so that I can shoot you down with rules 29 and 30 of the internet rules. Never heard of them? Well guess what. LURK MOAR.

Anyhow...Yeah, why am I here, you ask. Well I was asked by my buddy, the Midnighter, (yeah so original, I know) (Respect, son. Respect) if I wanted to blog about random stuff. (You make me come off as someone lonely and sad D=) So me, being in my usual ecstatic mood about anything new and shiny (I guess the black backgroud gives that kind of vibe), I replied favorably. Now, if you actually pay attention to these things, you'll notice my posts come out during the day and the Midnighter comes out at night. Why again you ask? Well guess what. GO LURK MOAR! (I still have no idea what this means)

I chose Akira as my name since, to be brutally honest, I am a japanophile (This portmanteu brought to you by the Pedobear community) and japanese names are fucking cool sounding (I knew I should've stuck with "Harakiri"). Akira translated to english means Daybreak. It makes sense if you read the last paragraph. (No, it doesn't) Trust me. (Trust ME) Especially in our real life personas. I'm the bright day sunshi- Ok I cant finish that sentence with a straight face (Not that we can actually see it) and not sound extremely gay (To the homosexual fans out there [all two of you], we mean this in another colloquial way and meant no offense; please continue to provide us Broadway musicals) in the process.

I'll be bitchan about anime and manga. Now I bet if you've found this site, you're either a friend of mine or some completely random person I will never meet (Send us money. Then you'll be our friend), but you'll ask yourself, "Do I really want to sit here for minutes reading what this guy thinks about these things?" I will reply to you, "I have no fucking idea, so just read it. You owe it to yourself to know my opinion on these matters just because Im always right."

Welcome to the staff, Akira

I'll stop fucking around with your posts here on out.

GameInformer's Top 200 Games

I apologize for the lack of posts lately; I've been preoccupied with teh lerningz and couldn't get around to doing anything. But progress is assuredly coming and the rest of the Final Fantasy XII review will be posted soon enough. As for the PS3 issue, I haven't made much progress on it yet although the likely route I will go is to order a power supply and dismantle that sonuvabitch myself. I should have my games up and running in no time and perhaps I will indeed have some video footage of FFXII once this little problem has been resolved.

So in order to occupy myself with some recreational activity wherein I am still busy, I decided to get back to some reading. I'm sure some of you may scoff at the very idea of having to read more than two paragraphs a day.

"i waz goi'na argu butt ain't no idear wat ya rote, misterr intamanet man"

I actually have this unsettling feeling in me because I have so many books and have barely made my first crease yet. But before I get back into the mind feeding, I found subterfuge in some gaming magazines, particularly Game Informer.

You regular GameStop shoppers probably know the ins-and-outs of what the Edge membership entails but I'll let the rest of you in. If you purchase a used game (oh, sorry; it's called "pre-owned" now. Can't let corporate hear you say the U-word) or even so much as glance at the nearest cartridge with a yellow sticker on it, you may find that the nearest employee at the store is already kneeling on the floor next to you, insisting that if you subscribe to the Edge membership, you will be admonished as a God in third-world countries and that your fifteen dollar membership fee will save kittens from bestial rapists.

Okay...you don't get all those benefits but what you do get is a few measly in-store discounts and a monthly subscription to Game Informer. I could explain the history behind Game Informer in more ways than one but I choose not to because I prefer to keep this brief and all you need to know is that it's a typical gaming magazine. Pretty pictures, lame jokes, and small text you normally neglect.

I don't have any beef with them in anyway but one particular issue did almost spark a severe epileptic episode from me. I felt like a second-grader at a spelling bee when I'm thrown the word "colostomy". Should I be stymied because the word is too much for me to handle or should I be appalled that the word they chose involves an artificial anus? So let me get right to it.

In their 200th issue, Game Informer decided what would be really special would be to construct a list of the top 200 games of all time even though we all know that this is not cliché in any way.

I've seen many of these in my day back when I used to rely on these extensive lists that these "apt" gamers composed. But I have never seen any list that compares to the sheer incompetence of this fucking waste-of-my-time. Not to create any outlandish hyperboles but WHAT WERE THEY THINKING?

Some typical feedback I found to the list was that it was a joke and it was downright laughable AND IT IS. But that's not the point here. What I'm getting at is that, aside from containing a few staples on the list simply because they are pretty much required to be on the list, everything about this is just horrendous.

I'll address my biggest problem first and this is not an editorial or journalistic problem specifically. It's an aesthetic problem. I turn the page to the introduction which suitably prepares the reader for what may be the best game of all time.


You flip one page.


Oh, you're done reading.

How do you get away with that?! Am I completely nuts here? Since when do you make a countdown of "The-Best" and you start with number 1? You just don't do that! Was the editor just high off of paint thinner or did he really think that this would be a good idea? I just don't get it!

In regards to the games that were selected, there is an excessive amount of games that just do not belong. Having your own opinion is one thing but this just goes against everything that has been established in gaming. When I think of a game suited for this type of list, I try to narrow down all the games I like until I find one which revolutionized the franchise, genre or industry itself. I think of a game which leaves a significant influence on me and leaves me wanting more.

You must be so glad they didn't do that. How they built this list could have been done with some reasonable standards and merit-based ranking. But no. There is no consistency here. The biased opinions stick out like a sore thumb. They rank games above other games for one reason but they contradict their own standards throughout the entire list. They'll even make up shit for why a game belongs on the list. You can't appease everyone but trying would've fucking helped.

I feel like I'm going to get a hernia from thinking about this. Let's just start.

197 - NHL 09
Okay. I'll bite. It's hockey. I'm not a fan of toothless Canadians who can only speak monosyllabically flogging one another all over tiny black urinal soap.

Why does this belong on the list? Just say the following to yourself aloud and tell me this does not sound far-fetched:

"The National Hockey League 2009 Video Game is one of the best games ever made."

187 - Infamous
There are so many games I simply adore but I would not keep place it on the list.

This is one of them.

183 - NFL 2k5
137 - Madden 99
I can't help but feel like I'm repeating myself. At the number 31 spot, Tecmo's Super Bowl stands as one of their bests. It was a fun game that anyone, even for a dunce as inept in sports as me, could enjoy. It's highly objectionable but I'll let that game slide simply because anyone can pick it up and play.

I'm pretty sure that you can justify how these games rank. Especially since there is a Madden game shat out of EA's ass every year and is most definitely identical to the the predecessor every time. And Madden '99 was the one year where it was done perfectly...how?

John Madden's elaborate attempt to explain what makes the game so great

152 - Xenosaga I
Have we just completely surrendered our RPG sensibilities? I can see why this game is adequate at best but the game has so many fucking flaws. You're telling me that more competent, ground-breaking, innovative RPGs than this did not even make the cut and Xenosaga is #152. I hope you all die in a barn fire.

134 - Borderlands
What corporate bribe did you fucking sheep accept? The game came out in October. This issue was released in December! How pressed for time were you?!

112 - ...


104 - Batman: Arkham Asylum
Again, I love the game. But its placement on the list is ludicrous. But what really upsets me is that it is ranked higher than Metal Gear Solid 4. Does no one see the problem here?! There is no way in hell that Arkham Asylum should belong on the list to begin with but placing it higher than MGS4...

If the writers of Game Informer are reading this, GIVE ME YOUR PHONE NUMBER AND YOUR HOME ADDRESS so I can stab you in the face!

84- Shadow of the Colossus
83 - Okami
"How many is that now? 116? Goddamn. Gotta name some more. Shit....uh...Shadow of the Colossus? That was good enough, right? Add it in."

79 - Kingdom Hearts
130 - Kingdom Hearts II
Believe me before I start on this one. I used to ADORE this game. A mesh of Disney-FF goodness that wasn't an acid trip? And it worked? Mixed together with fun, fast-paced combat? Perhaps all the cartridges were laced with some aerate substance that releases euphoric gases when we pop in the game.

I love the game and I love the sequel (even though the plot of the latter is a piece of shit) but it has no place here. Get off the list and go back to pandering prepubescent teenagers and perpetual virgins.

73 - Rock Band 2
Rock Band is NOT on the list, yet Rock Band 2 is the 73rd best game of all time to these people. Improved features, perhaps? Okay, let's take that into consideration.

God of War is higher than God of War II even though the sequel is an unequivocally improved game from the bottom up.

Halo? #39. Halo 2? #110.

But Rock Band 2 deserves recognition because...?

And let's not even discuss the absurdity of having Guitar Hero at #49 when Legends of Rock is no where to be seen on the list.

50 - Metal Gear Solid 2: Sons of Liberty
MGS 2 is the 50th best game of all time. MGS4 is 108th. MS3 is 191st. This game shouldn't be on the list for one reason: Raiden was a pussy.

But you're awesome in MGS4, Raiden! I'm pretty sure Rising will
be awesome too! Please don't kill me!

10 - Ms. Pac Man
52 - Pac Man
They're the same fucking game!

As you can tell, I have so many gripes about this list and the ones I named already were only a few of the more idiotic choices. I could go on detailing how the entire list is just such an inconsistent, insincere, incomprehensible, biased, opinionated, irrelevant, piss-pour, shit-stained, skull fucking I have ever seen but I'll let you decide. Pick up the issue while it's still easily obtainable and you too will experience this atrocity full force.

But if you want a more affable list, I would say that EGM created a respectable list in their 200th issue wee back in 2006. Sure, it may not have your favorites here and there and it is obviously outdated but it was a list that was concocted keeping in mind what were the greatest games of their time based on influence and importance in the industry.

Don't bother with Game Informer. I didn't want to go off on a belligerent rant here but I felt like I was just brutally sodomized by a radioactive buffalo. This list just kicks you in the face and makes you squirm in agony. It's just that bad. And yeah, this isn't funny. I stopped trying to be FUNNY when I reached the half way point and I felt raped.

Here's a rule of thumb I believe you should abide by: If you can't name 200, don't have 200. No one should subject themselves to this crap that you just made up. I know it's your 200th issue and it should be a momentous occasion but this is just plain not-knowing-what-the-fuck-you-are-doing. You already made your Top 100 list, which was also a monumental knoll of shit but at least it was half the size. This list doesn't make up for your past mistakes because you just repeated them again.

You suck. Get over it.

A Note [Dec 8, 2009]

You know, I take very good care of my systems. I don't bash them, I don't let them overheat, I don't stack consoles on top of one another. So how this happened to me I have no clue.

Returning home after a tiring exam, the first thing I had in mind was to mellow out and play some Metal Gear Solid 4 as a personal celebration. Not even two minutes into gameplay, the game shuts off. The system shuts off. The lights go from green to null. You can almost picture my jaw just dropping at that instant, spewing out profanities like the Micro Machines guy.

Try another AC cable, you say?
Try another outlet, you say?
Try letting it cool down, you say?

It simply will not turn on.

This is precisely why I don't own an XBox 360 because I didn't want shit like this to happen. I have a surplus of games I just recently purchased to keep myself occupied this upcoming winter break so I wouldn't have had to resort to the Wii, which has the worst library of games for any console I've seen in years save for Brawl and even that game is utterly botched.

Tekken 6. GTA 4. Bioshock. They'll all have to be placed on hiatus for another two to three weeks just in time for the winter recess to end. Fan-fuckin-tastic.

And 150 dollars for a repair is insane given the fact that I paid merely 300 for it. What would make this easier would be if the PS3 80gb backwards compatible models were still in production. Some of you might suggest that I purchase a slim but it's quite a feat having to demote your PS3 like that. While the slim is nice, it doesn't have the most important feature: backwards compatibility.

So for the next half a month, I'm PS3less and I can only hope that my trophy collection will still be there waiting for me.

Final Fantasy XII Review [Part 1]

There comes time in every company’s life that they start realizing that their routines and products have become stale and blasé. While still keeping the sentiments and aspects that the common consumer admires from the original products, newer features are implemented and certain memorable and beloved aspects are altered and changed for the better. But what happens when this reconstructive process goes horribly wrong? What if the company were to create something that they thought would be “innovative” and would “pioneer a new age in the industry” but had not expectantly become a complete aberration from what everyone loved about the original archetypes? What if—THE PUNCHLINE IS FINAL FANTASY XII.

You have been warned.

Before the ranting and raving can truly begin (“bitchin’ and moanin’” in layman’s terms), let me start by settling all qualms and pre-determined resentment that you might have towards me for derailing anything and everything with the words “Final” and “Fantasy” in it even when the installment in question is like cat piss poured into a Gatorade bottle and marketed as the new “Mystery Flavor”.

I consider myself an avid gamer who has dealt with a diverse compilation of games both good and bad. I have revered some and loathed others and as it so happens, role-playing games are among my most preferable of genres.

My reflexes suck

Introspectively, Final Fantasy stands out as the franchise that dominates the RPG realm from its picturesque visuals and fascinating worlds to its quirky yet plot-significant characters to its radically unique game play mechanics and challenges that would destroy the most tempered of souls, separating the men from the boys and in the end, only those who can attest to the games’ trials may proceed on.

Final Fantasy XII doesn’t have any of that.

This game is dreadful. The absolute worst. An exemplary testament to all that could go wrong with the series packaged into one game.

Okay…Maybe not the “worst”. But still terrible!

There’s affectionate lampooning of a game, deconstructive dislike for a game and then there’s my irreverent hostility for this piece of shit. Let me assure you that I did not get into this game aspiring for a masterpiece and did not have ludicrous standards which I demanded to be met. I never go into a game expecting a Citizen Kane-worthy setting or game play that is so good that I would have to cosplay as the characters in order to emulate a sad pathetic fantasy world and believe that overcompensating chalkboard-size swords were real.

cosplayers (n) - people who celebrate
Halloween more than once a year

Nonetheless, a qualified game would not have had me losing my mind every forty-eight seconds pondering all the possible activities I could be doing instead of squandering every wasted, vapid moment of my already-mundane daily life. I did not expect anything outstanding but did not expect anything outlandishly unplayable. So I really did not know what to expect but I felt I had (and still have) reasonable standards. I did not expect another Final Fantasy VII.

Robert Patrick doesn't like it when
you compare this to a good game

But believe it or not there was a part of me at one time that went into the game expecting to feel the same awe-struck adoration that I usually had from the other installments like a crackhead reliving his gateway days by kicking back with some nice simple Mary Jane. But this “game” somehow took everything that I had loved about the series and had not only mangled and mutilated it, but it somehow got away with receiving unequivocal acclaim from game critics everywhere. I am not the type of person to jump on the bandwagon and go “I lurv dis 2 12 r teh best gmae evr!!!!SHIFT1111!1! roflolmaomfgtforlyarlybbq!!” but I smell trouble afoot when competent game reviewers and other known savants in this industry award this game for its supposed “merits” or lack thereof.

If you want to read this review and all ninety-seven compendiums of my outright hatred towards this game, I implore you to abandon all preset notions that have been beset onto you by the corporate side of video gaming and listen to an ordinary gamer like me.

Doesn’t this mug just shout “ordinary”?

And if you have played this game and somehow can endure its shit-factor far more than I can, I will iterate now that my opinion cannot be changed just as much as I cannot change yours. However, for those of you who rank this game as their favorite (let alone ranking it on your top 11) of the series, I have no words for you. But I have an appropriate image that I would love for you to reenact.

"AHHH!!!! BUT I THOUGHT BALTHIER'S
ONE LINERS WERE FUNNY!!"

In order to describe the banality of this game’s plot, let us delve back in time to Final Fantasy VI:

As the game begins, the player encounters an enigmatic woman named Terra who has (here’s a surprise) amnesia and had been manipulated by the Emperor to do his evil bidding. After being rescued by a pickpocket named Locke, Terra continues on her quest to uncover who she is and meets several other characters on her quest—each equipped with their own specialties and variant reasons to fight—demanding retribution against the Empire for their devious acts. After a turn of events, Terra unearths the terrible secret about her lineage and becomes compelled to use her newfound powers to see to the end of the tyrannical menace. Then comes along good old Mr. Plot Twist ready to change things up and the story takes a turn for the worst as the sociopathic Kefka strolls along, kills the emperor and acquires an omnipotent force that the group is incapable of defeating in their current state. After nearly a year, the group members somehow persevere and this band of heroes must face their own inner demons and reunite all the members once again to defeat Kefka and restore this dystopian world to the way things were.

And here is FFXII (in fragments):

Bad Empire.
Princess get people.
Fight Empire.
Win.
Princess become queen.
The end.

Man, what a mouthful! Who even needs Deus Ex Machina when you could stoop far lower and construct a story so linear that the player can already deduce the ending from the very moment they put in the game? Alfred Hitchcock, eat your heart out! Didn’t think my head could be wrapped around a story so complex! Especially when you have so many involving characters like Vaan, the transvestite of the group whose prominence in this story is incredibly uncanny and important: having little to no impact on the plot, speaking barely any lines, and fighting against the empire for a reason that seems rather uninspired. YES! WE NEED MORE MAIN CHARACTERS LIKE VAAN! Fuck insightful character development! All we need is a protagonist who just stands in the background and lets the plot unfold without him!

Man, I suck at these "Spot the Difference" games.

In fact, let’s make every character in the game like that! Wouldn’t that be great?! Just leave one character fulfilling all the plot advancements and have every other insipid character jerk off in the background!

THANK YOU SQUARE ENIX! YOU DID NOT DISAPPOINT! YOU DID NOT DISAPPOINT! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

All right…Get a grip, man…I can do this…Just need more Ritalin.

I’m afraid that I cannot continue to describe the simplicity of this plot any further without some detriment to my mental health so here are the rest of the characters in a concise, abridged format:

• Vaan = a man a woman [gender-undefined]
• Penelo = a nag
  
• Balthier = a douche
  
• Fran = a playboy bunny with a four-year old’s voice
  
• Basch = as interesting as a paper clip
• Gabranth = the paper clip’s evil brother
  
• Vayne = bad guy
  
• Larsa = bad guy’s brother
• Cid = unexplained villain cohort
• Al Cid = not to be confused with Cid; makes Vaan look like Chuck Norris
  
• Reks = the green dinosaur in Toy Story I mean…oh, who cares; he dies in the beginning
  
• Every other character = useless
  
• Ashe = everything else

This judge dies in a cutscene that lasts over 5 minutes of
screen time. It would be a tragic scene…if we cared…

I like to call the plot Ashecentric because that is the most definitive plot summary you can give this game. The story is completely centered around Ashe, a rebellious princess leading a group of fighters vowing vengeance against an imposing empire that is responsible for the destruction of her home. She is the one true hope to end the malice of the dark lord Vayne, a man hell-bent on power by using the mystical force given to him by a malevolent entity. Hmm? Where have I heard this story before? Must be my imagi—

"Do not underestimate the power of the attorneys"

Oh yeah, that’s right. It’s just like Star Wars. Except where Star Wars excelled in storytelling, character development, special effects, action, orchestral score, and immersive atmosphere, Final Fantasy XII…um…

So allow me, if you will, to dispel any possible misconceptions that I find this game completely unredeemable. I may be a curmudgeon but I am a reasonable curmudgeon whose word is fallible (but I’m usually right).

The music can sometimes be abysmal and you can haphazardly compose better tunes by throwing knives off a bridge onto oncoming traffic. This is partly due to the series' venerable composer Nobuo Uematsu's abdication from Square to form his own Instrumental Metal band, the Black Mages. With the position open, Hitoshi Sakimoto took over and I would hate to vilify this guy having not heard any of his auxiliary work so I will say while some melodies are merely four beats repeating and others are so low in tone that the songs lean more towards being classified as "noise" rather than "music", Sakimoto somehow composed suitable music for this game and could even be considered perfect: all the songs are just as bland as the game.

The visuals are well-complemented by the high resolution and overall graphical enhancements since four years prior when Final Fantasy X came out. The graphics are high in detail for a non-PS3 title, albeit the thought of coughing up ten extra dollars on this waste for a technologically-advanced cutting-edge console is absurd. The artwork is another story and this is where my bias juts out most. The visual style somehow regressed to a quasi-fairy tale feel and what should have been eye candy ultimately failed miserably. The graphical enhancements cannot save this game from the bizarre art style as much as it is spraying over dog turd with darker colors to enhance the shittiness. Consider this the only aspect which is purely subjective and you can argue that you love seeing certain unique nuances, such as the game’s incarnation of the moogle, which looks a mutant offspring of an orangutan and a Furby.

How do you fuck up something as simple as a Moogle?

Skippable cutscenes are the greatest asset to this game as far as the story progression goes, which goes as far as permitting players to skip the tutorials. But I wouldn't understand why anyone would want to skip tutorials. After all, the fun lies in sitting in front of the television set mashing the X button until the lecturer shuts the fuck up.

The voice acting in this game is top-notch. Phenomenal. Superb. I have yet to come across another game whose voice work comes close to the flawless perfection in this game. My only grievance: WHY THIS GAME?

If you get the PAL version, Patrick Stewart will
waste his career as an ancillary voice actor

Now the question lingering in your mind is “Why is this obviously-more-attractive-guy-than-me detailing every benign aspect of the game when he so clearly wants to smash the developers of the game in the face with scaffolding equipment?” Consider it a service before I really unleash my abhorrence upon this game and then you truly understand why I am being so merciful.

"AND YOU WILL KNOW MY NAME IS THE LORD..."

What is the nail that seals the coffin on this game and causes lapses in time due to incessant boredom? The quintessential part of any shitty game aside from the meandering plot and bland characters?

Prepare for the worst. We're going to rip this game a new one from the inside out. Next time...

The gameplay.

MASS HYSTERIA!!