Public Enemies [2009] Review

I've journeyed across the country from one end to the other on one of the most uneventful six hour rides ever experienced in my life. Perhaps it was the painstaking task of reading an assigned text whose context is so fallible that you're wondering whether you're either too stupid to understand the words or too logical to actually suspend your reasoning skills to side with the writer for all the nonfactual bullshit. Or perhaps it was that the complimentary television service was watered down with the types of shows I deliberately try in vain to keep off my radar that vexed me into madness [except House--that man is the shitz].

No. I'll place all the blame on a complimentary movie that was featured on the flight. Considering that I am a typical moviegoer and your average run-of-the-mill critic, when you give me a list of movies that have already gotten onto DVD or Blu-Ray, chances are I've already wasted two to three hours on each movie on whatever list you give me. Passing up some gems like Paranormal Activity and Funny People, I suppose there was a part of me that just wanted to see something that I have not seen yet. So passing up on some obscure Japanese movie that is probably botched by the Engrish translations, a movie just barely managed to catch my attention. I don't know how it didn't.

Public Enemies. It's a story of John Dilinger and the chronicles of his escapades across middle America, robbin' banks and makin' an ass out of the law enforcement. And wouldn't you know it but the notorious Dilinger is played by Johnny Depp, a reputable name in the movie business and standing oppositie him, fresh off his hit roles as the Dark Knight and John Connor [Ugh...I guess], was Christian Bale as the archetypical antagonist/good-guy-you-don't-want-to-win.

So it's Sparrow vs. Batman. Todd vs. Bateman. Wonka vs. Connor.

No. It's nothing like that. It's not even Roe vs. Wade territory. It's ketchup vs. mustard. Pourage vs. Cereal. Dull. dull. dull.

You know, I had high standards for this movie given that the top built actors were two of the most recognizable men in Hollywood. I felt bad. I felt like there was a great injustice to watching this dullfest. If it were just me, I would've had gotten to a certain point and thought that the movie had not lived up to my expectations and that Michael Mann has no grasp on how to make a flick that doesn't involve the occasional twenty second shot of a guy staring into an empty space to accentuate the actor's expression. I get it. He's mad someone shot his friend. Cut away to the next shot. I leave to go to the lavatory down the aisle, come back and Depp is still staring blankly into the camera with the same damn expression he had before I got up.

So I felt terrible but this wouldn't have been such an immense wad of suck if I were alone in watching this and decided to just rip the headphones out and just brace the tranquil sounds of the plane engine roaring and my ears collapsing to the air pressure. What made the whole ordeal worse was that before the movie, I suckered someone else to watch it with me to make the film that much more enjoyable to be able to share in the experience.

This was the cognitive process of the movie:
"Do you find this movie interesting?"
"Eh...kinda...I wanna know what happens."
"They're just talking. And it's not good dialogue."
"Shh! I finally hear the action! I hear gunshots!"
"I hear them too. Turn the screen back on!"
"I didn't turn the screen off!"
"Then up the brightness. I can't see shit!"
"This is the brightest it can go!"
"Wait, if you squint hard enough, you can see people with guns."
"This must be the exciting part. Look, the camera is on Depp. Now it's on Bale. Now Depp. Now Bale."
"Look, Depp got captured. This is like the fourth time but he's gonna die now for sure, I bet."
"No. He escaped."
"Man, they keep letting this guy escape. I bet they're holding back a really climactic ending that'll make it all so clear why Depp had to escape all those times."
"No. Some cop just shot him."
"..."
"That movie was 2 hours and 10 minutes"
"Bull shit. That movie was three hours."

The entire time I was simply questioning if this movie was even slightly interesting. The slightest nod--even of uncertainty--made me hesitate from turning the channel.

Seriously though: It's a god awful movie. I missed out on this review half a year ago when it first came out because I didn't see it. NOW I KNOW WHY. WHY DIDNT I CONTINUE TO LISTEN TO MY BRAIN?

Public Enemies. Top 5 of worst movies of 2009. Say what you like about New Moon, at least I can laugh my fucking ass off in that movie. "What type of vampire can walk in broad daylight and glow?" A shitty movie like that you can just rip to shreds and actually appreciate the drab mess that it is. Public Enemies was an attempt at something GOOD and it BLOWS. Good luck doing your rifftrax for this piece of shit. You'd have an easier time conjuring jokes at the children's hospital for the terminally ill.