Kingdom Hearts Series Impression

Ever wondered what it'd be like to have Jack Sparrow and Goofy in the same room? Ever wanted a video game where they fucked up everything that was memorable about Tron by not having anything to do with the source material? Ever thought of seeing Cloud Strife tearing up a storm with a sword that is wrapped in a cloth for some unknown reason [I guess it makes it...hurt more?] while Mickey Mouse is ravaging every moving thing on screen? Because when you think Disney, you think Mickey killing everything with a blunt weapon.

If you're one of these people or the many other overly philosophical and emotionally unstable fans, you should know what the Kingdom Hearts series is. Take one company known for its over-the-top melodramatic video games with swords, magic and SUV-sized poultry and another company known for making cartoons about anthropomorphic characters getting the ax and making the audience weep over a fucking deer. Combine the two and you have Kingdom Hearts, a video game series that appeared simple and clean [if you got a chuckle out of this, you are officially a nerd] until you realize that the plot is so convoluted, you'll start to question the meaning of life.

The first game was profound in its fast and addictive gameplay, the interesting yet deceptively complicated story, and a warranted ability to invoke a sense of nostalgia from the audience. "Aw. It's Winnie the Pooh. I remember Pooh. Aw look, he's eating hunny! Just like the movie. Oh Pooh, you're so Hy-LAR-rious!"

After the positive feedback from the first game and the fact that the ending left absolutely no closure at all, Kingdom Hearts II was released. After four years of waiting, I was able to relive the Kingdom Hearts experience and even enjoy the improved gameplay mechanics and interactive combat system.

The story sucked ass. The Disney worlds sucked ass. Everything else about the game sucked ass.

• Why does Sanctuary sound like nail on a chalkboard?
• Why do we have to endure Stepmania type levels in Atlantica?
• Why is Ursula alive again without explanation?
• Why is Hercules a complete pussy?
• Why does Jack Sparrow sound more like Tim Curry than Johnny Depp?
  
• Why is Roxas so useless and boring?
• Why does Sora look like he's doubled in age over the past year?
• Why does Goofy sound like he's taking philosophy classes?
• What the fuck is Organization XIII?
• Why do they want to have hearts again?
• Who the fuck are the Nobodies?
• Why the fuck are they called Nobodies?
• What happened to the Heartless?
• Why aren't the Nobodies called Heartless since they don't have hearts?
• Why are we paying so much attention to people called NOBODIES?
• What is so immoral about collecting hearts?
• Why are we stopping these people from collecting hearts?
• Why are we spending the entire game devoted to stopping these people from collecting hearts?
• Why do they say darkness is eternal when in the original, we've already established darkness can be vanquished?
• Why did Riku turn into Ansem/Xehanort/Xehanort's Heartless/that black guy?
• Why does a stupid piece of cloth covering his eyes stop him from becoming Ansem/Xehanort/Xehanort's Heartless/that black guy?
• Why is there another Ansem?
• What happened to the original villain also called Ansem?
• Why did they suddenly start calling him Xehanort's Heartless?
• Who the fuck is Xehanort?
• Why is Xemnas called Xemnas when he's obviously Xehanort?
• Why can't any of these people have normal names?

The story had gotten into such a tangent that I was just hoping the story would go back to basics and return to that epic fight against the Heartless, the minions of darkness. Not this fucking group of people for no discernible reason aside from "They're bad people because they want to be whole again...THEY MUST DIE!"

In case none of these unanswered questions ever occurred to you in the game, just remember: They put Jack Sparrow in the game. Jack Sparrow: pillager of lands, womanizer, potential rapist, heavy drinker, master criminal. You know, A PIRATE. And what baffles me is that Peter Pan cameos in the game. I think the universe should've imploded at that point.

But Kingdom Heart II's plot seemed downright inspired compared to the abomination that was Kingdom Hearts: Chain of Memories for the Game Boy Advance and a remake for the PlayStation2. It was released before the second game to bridge the gap between the games and explain more new plot elements and knock off a few Organization members so you wouldn't have to deal with all thirteen in one game.

This game is...

I believe that sums it up perfectly. It's Disney + Final Fantasy + Magic the Gathering all in one. How can you go wrong? I suppose if you look past the shitty controls, complex card system, excessive deck management, deck construction limitations, and incredibly stupid plot, this game isn't half bad. It's like trying to find the better qualities in dog vomit. You might overlook the pungent smell or grotesque nature of this because you're stubborn enough to love anything Kingdom Hearts related.

If you like the idea of a playing Yu-Gi-Oh with more headaches and complicated rules, this might be for you but this game was such a letdown for me the very instant I picked it up and played it, particularly the Game Boy Advance version. With merely four buttons to choose from, I was so relieved when the PS2 version finally came out and allowed me to utilize twice as many. But I didn't expect many changes. The story still sucked and once again, a plethora of questions plagued my mind.

Sora goes into a big, spooky, questionably-dangerous mansion alone. His fighting capabilities are gimped beyond recognition and he has to fight with cards. I cannot begin to fathom how that works.

Once he's in there, he is told that he plays a seminal role in the villains' scheme and that it is vital for him to lose important memories. By the end of the game, he is forced to go into an indefinte slumber to regain the memories that he lost while losing all memory of everything that occurred in the game. This all must have been unavoidable. After all, when I'm given the option of staying put with my friends or choosing to go inside a large, ominous castle that appeared out of thin air after some mysterious and possibly threatening man with a foreboding presence predicts something bad will occur to me, I'd choose the latter like any sane person would.

So you'd think that the story would return to the way things were and continue the story of Sora's plight against the Heartless and the powers of darkness. I can't wait for Kingdom Hearts III.

Kingdom Hearts 358/2 Days was announced for the Nintendo DS which continued the story of Roxas and took place simultaneously with Chain of Memories. All right. I can't wait for Kingdom Hearts III.

Kingdom Hearts Birth by Sleep is a game for the Playstation Portable and will focus on three keyblade warriors who had brief appearances and references in Kingdom Hearts II and will occur ten years prior to the very original game. Cool. Kingdom Hearts III?

Kingdom Hearts Coded is a Japan only game on mobile devices which will chronicle the story of a digitized Sora in a cyber Kingdom Hearts universe which explains why Mickey found an unexplained entry in Jimminy Cricket's journal. FINE. Where the hell is Kingdom Hearts III?!

Tetsuya Nomura, the leading man behind the series, has announced that another spinoff game will be released tying in the connections between these games. So no Kingdom Hearts III?

Kingdom Hearts: Irrelevent Plot will be released from MyAss and will explain why Sora's feet are bigger than his face and Donald will massacre his teammates because he is tired of people never understanding what he is saying. There is no Kingdom Hearts III.


Out of all those tangential games announced since Kingdom Hearts II, I was only able to play 358/2 Days, the only one released stateside thus far. Why is it called 358/2 Days? During an interview, Nomura explained that once the story has completed, an explanation why this game is called that will be revealed.

That was a lie, of course but you tend to forget that. For all we care, this game is called Kingdom Hearts: The Weird Numbered One. How did the game fair? If you purchased the game, you made the right choice because it was fun and it brought the an authentic experience of Kingdom Hearts to the DS.

The story sucked. Are you really surprised? Forget Sora. Forget Kairi. Forget Donald and Goofy. What you have is Roxas, the emo punktard from the beginning of Kingdom Hearts II. At least you unearth a few more details about his past in this game that you didn't know from KHII. Did you know that Roxas was always a whiny, emotional, naive, pathetic, pointless moron? I'm pretty sure they didn't explain that enough in KHII so here's a game dedicated to elaborating on that. At least now you can now play as Roxas while he was still with the Organization. I like playing a game when I know how it's going to end. Now beware. I'm venturing into Spoiler Territory so highlight to read.

The only real reason anyone plays is to learn more about Xion, the supposed fourteenth member of the organization. The story builds a great amount of mystique and suspense behind this character as if she is essential to the entire Kingdom Hearts series' canon.

She dies. Everyone forgets her.

Why do they keep making games with people forgetting other people?!

Well, at least the gameplay is fun right? It was quite inventive for them to adopt a slot-based system to equip weapons, magic, items and even to level up. It was one of the better nuances of the game.

While the game is fun, it wasn't without its flaws and I swear if you do not complain about these flaws yourself, then you are only lying to yourself.

• The camera is terrible. The camera will be locked in the worst possible angles at the wrong times.
• They don't give you the option to change the camera controls until you get to a certain point in the game.
• The auto-lock will turn on when you get too close to an enemy and the camera will lock up. If you get too far from an enemy, the auto-lock on will turn off and the camera instantly readjusts itself behind Roxas and can be very disorienting.
• They swapped the places where the Jump button and the Attack button were located and can be hard to get used to.
• When flying in the original game, you press the Jump button to ascend and the Dodge button to go down. In this game, you press the Jump button to descend and the Dodge button to go up, which defies all logic.

Overall, you can pick up the game and enjoy it but rest assured that these problems will come back and bite you in the ass time to time when you're forced to multitask fighting two Heartless simultaneously in a room the size of a stovetop.

With Kingdom Hearts: Birth by Sleep officially released in Japan as of today, I figured that it would be appropriate to do a little recap on the series. For all the harsh criticism I give the series, I stopped caring for the plot and moved onto just focusing on the gameplay and after seeing the PSP game's impressive trailers, I'm already psyched.

What does the future of the series entail? I don't care anymore. It should've ended with Kingdom Hearts II but some of you may like the four million spinoffs, Final Mixes, Final Mix+, remakes, and whatever else KH related that doesn't really progress the storyline at all. For me, I'm just waiting for Sora to go back to roots and fight the Heartless. After all the bashing I give the series these days, I'm still a big fan of the original and the depth in the simple but epic story. It may not belong on the list of Top 200 but it sure stands out as one of the most memorable games.